Pastor, more than likely you have church members who are older than you are, and when we first start in ministry, that may be most of our members. What do those relationships call for, and how can you best relate to older members?
A Look in the Scriptures – In 1 Timothy 5:1-2, Paul writes, “Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father, to the younger men as brothers, the older women as mothers, and the younger women as sisters, in all purity” (NASB). As a pastor, you are charged with leadership and with the spiritual care and growth of your church and its people, including those who are older. However, their age relative to yours calls for a measure of respect and graciousness that goes beyond the normal love and grace we all are to show one another as Christians. As I approach middle age and relate to my parents in more mature ways – sometimes speaking biblical truth to them and sometimes disagreeing with them, I have an increased understanding of these admonitions. It is possible to disagree, offer an alternate viewpoint, and even stand up to a gossip or bully in the church and maintain a respectful demeanor.
How Older Adult May View You – For me, I think about members as being older when they are approximately 15 years or more older than I am – about a generation or more ahead of me in life. There is nothing magic about that number. It is simply the age difference at which I have noticed the tendency not to view each other as peers. Your experience may differ. The following are some ways older adults may view you.
They may view you like one of their children or grandchildren. When you have their respect, this can be a blessing, and you may still be able to be their pastor as they love you also. Some, however, take a more patronizing and disrespectful view of you and may believe your age keeps you from being of value to them or may think of you in this way to keep themselves from being led by you.
They may view you as someone who does not understand them. As our members get well-advanced in years, they face challenges and losses most of us simply have not experienced – a changed city (those in urban areas), loss of health, loss of loved ones, loss of physical ability of one sort or another.
They may view you as someone they need to teach how to do your job. Some older members want to teach you an unhealthy pastoral model, and others (I believe) adopt a teaching stance to discredit and disregard your leadership and teaching. However, we can and should learn from gracious and Godly instruction offered by older members.
They may view you as a valued pastor. Chronological age does not automatically mean spiritual maturity, and you may have a rich discipling relationship with some older members. As you love and walk with them, you may earn their respect and trust and have a very rewarding ministry to them.
Two Troubling Tendencies to Avoid – In addition to considering how older adults see you, we need to think about how we think about them. Our relationships with them depend on our mindset as well as theirs. On one hand, if you were reared to have a great respect for older adults and to defer to them automatically, you may tend not to challenge older adults when needed and tend not to try to disciple them. This is a mistake. Respect does not mean automatic deference. On the other hand, we may tend to disregard our older members. We may feel our position or our educational training places us above or outside their counsel and input. Or, we may think older people and their older ways are outdated. Finally, we may feel we have to prove ourselves able to lead without the input of others. All of these forms of and reasons for disregarding our older members are destructive. Value them and pastor them with respect.
As you relate to older members in your church, pray for them, respect them and their wisdom, value them, listen carefully to them, build into them gently as they allow you to, let them build into you when and as appropriate, and love them. Love, faithfulness, consistency, and respect should characterize your relationships with all members, but they are especially important with senior members.