I realize you may or may not be too excited about an article on growing from disappointments, particularly if disappointment has been recent, frequent, or life-shaking. An ill-timed or poorly worded piece of advice or encouragement to use disappointment as an opportunity for development can be frustrating and seem insensitive. Right now, you might simply need a listening ear and an understanding presence, but I would encourage you not to stay in that place too long. Hebrews 12:15 tells us to guard against bitter roots that grow up, and unaddressed disappointments can turn into bitter roots. That said, I want to pick up a theme I highlighted in a previous article on dealing with ministry disappointment. I want to flesh out some ways in which we can handle disappointment in constructive ways that result in growth – honoring God, blessing us and others, and furthering the Kingdom. Our disappointment and the source of it matters, but what we do with that disappointment also matters greatly.
Growing from disappointment requires evaluation, learning, and correction. Without these steps, we will not grow, and we risk further disappointment, as well as other destructive responses. I can’t help but think of Cain and Abel (Genesis 4). Cain was mad because God didn’t receive his offering with favor. He was very disappointed, but God asked him why his face was downcast, suggested he would be received if he did well, warned him about the danger of falling into sin, and told him he needed to master that sin. Cain needed to respond constructively to disappointment, but he responded destructively instead. If we are going to respond well and grow or learn when our faces are downcast from disappointments, I would suggest we need to ask good questions and get honest answers to those questions – questions such as the following:
What is really going on? – It can be hard to be objective, especially when the sting of disappointment is fresh, but we need to try. You may have understood everything you needed to understand going into the situation, had a great plan, and executed it well, but something went amiss, and you can learn if you can figure out what that was. Or, you might have had gaps in your own thinking or approach. Have you been overly idealistic – expecting too much of yourself, others, or whatever efforts you tried that fell through? Have you not accounted for people’s shortcomings and differences? Is there some lack of understanding about how things work, what God does and does not do, etc.? These answers can help us create better expectations and reduce disappointment in the future.
Who can help you look at what is really going on, and who needs to be involved in the evaluation, learning, and correction process? – Sometimes, we need a fresh or different perspective, and sometimes other stakeholders need to be brought into the conversation.
What might be going on that you are unaware of? – How possible is it that there are organizational or relational dynamics you missed or something else God is doing? What do you not know, and what do you not know that you don’t know about the situation?
What went well? – This is an important question, because even when there is disappointment, there are probably some positive things you can identify.
What could have gone better? – Look at whatever the situation was, and ask this question about how things were done and how they unfolded.
What do you want to do differently next time? – Here is where corrections for the future begin to emerge as you make better plans for moving forward.
What gaps in knowledge, skill, character, or spiritual walk emerged as you evaluated? – Disappointments can happen because of gaps in what we planned, did, wanted, thought, understood, etc. Identifying those gives us learning and growth points – ways we can develop self, others, and the organization we are part of.
Where can you get the resources to fill in these gaps? How will you do that? – This is where the learning and growth plan begins to emerge so you grow as a person and as a leader.
What’s beyond this disappointment (opportunities and possibilities)? – To learn, grow, and move forward well, we have to learn to think outside of and beyond the disappointment. The disappointment is not all there is.
What blessing or blessings have come or can come out of this situation and our response to it? – As hard as it is to hear, it can be a blessing when something doesn’t work out as we had hoped, and it is helpful to find that blessing.
What response to this disappointment will most honor God, further His Kingdom, mature us, and bless others? – The answers to this question may already have begun to emerge as you answered some of the previous questions, but I think the question needs to be asked specifically.
In a condensed form, let me re-iterate a bit of advice from my earlier article on dealing with disappointment, now that I have given you some specific questions to facilitate growth. These suggestions can help you know what you are hoping to accomplish through your evaluation, learning, and correction. First, grow in wisdom and skill regarding God, self, others, life, ministry (or whatever organization you are part of). Second, grow in your theology and understanding of God’s Word. Some disappointments can be made less painful when we understand more of the Bible and how God wants things to work. Third, grow in personal character and maturity, as well as in your spiritual walk. Finally, grow in grace and love. Disappointments can enrich our appreciation for God’s love and grace, help us receive that love and grace into our own lives, and help us extend God’s love and grace to others.
Note: Coaching is a good way to walk through the types of questions I have mentioned in the process of evaluation, learning, and correction. Feel free to contact me if you are interested in being coached through this sort of process.