The tension between family and ministerial call is not easy to resolve, nor should it be completely resolved. Both your family and your ministry setting are matters of stewardship, and allotting time and effort to these cannot be a matter simply of what we might feel like doing at any given time. Last week, I offered a some observations and questions to help you live well in the tension, and this week I want to offer a few suggestions.
Honest Self-Examination – You and I need regularly to examine our goals, motives, expenditure of effort, and use of time. We need to answer questions about where get our sense of identity and worth, why we use our time and expend effort the way we do, and how these relate to furthering the Kingdom at home and in our ministry. Here are some examples. If we find our identity either in our family or in our ministry work instead of in Jesus, we may misappropriate time and effort toward whichever gives us our greatest sense of value. Additionally, if we find our worth in being needed at church or busy at work, we may slight our family and work in our ministry setting more than is justified. Further, if we feel our church is treating us unjustly in some way or we are frustrated with our ministry context, we may begin to shrot-change that service and pull our attention away from it to preserve our self, to punish our church or ministry setting, or to make some point they probably will not understand. What I mean by neglecting the ministry to make a point is failing to do something the church feels is valuable but you do not see as valuable without adequately communicating to the church what you are doing or why. This simply looks like dereliction of duty on your part and does not teach the church anything constructive. Difficulty at home or at church can lead to unhealthy patterns, as can the desire to matter, addiction to work, a “Messiah complex,” or any number of motives and assumptions. There are other examples, but the point is, you and I need to understand why we do what we do and check our motives. On occasion, we may need outside help from a coach or trusted confidant to do this.
Evaluation and Communication – I believe communication and evaluation belong in an ongoing, repeated cycle. Regular evaluation at home and at church should help you catch trouble before it gets out of hand (i.e. figuring out what needs are not being met before they cause problems). Communication helps clarify expectations and needs in order to avoid problems, and it helps clear up difficulties once they are discovered. At home, this involves clarifying needs and expectations, how to meet needs and expectations, and how the family relates to your ministry. We need regularly to discuss and evaluate where we stand in terms of meeting needs and expectations so stress, distance, and resentment do not develop.
In my experience, clarifying expectations and evaluating whether or not you are meeting those can be more challenging in your ministry setting. As you enter a ministry position, you need to do your best to identify and clarify explicit and implicit expectations and perceived needs. You also need a solid Biblical understanding of the needs of God’s people and the expectations of ministry. Moving forward, periodic evaluation helps keep you on track. Here is where things can get difficult. You may or may not have a formal evaluation system, and if you do not, you might benefit from informal input. However, you must be careful from whom you solicit that input. If you open yourself to the wrong person or persons, you can lose leadership capital and fall prey to manipulation and the agendas of those who give you input, or at least subject yourself to the debilitating stress of confusing demands and un-Biblical expectations.
Cultivate a Philippians 2 Perspective – Without digressing into a Bible study lesson, I believe there is a pattern for maintaining healthy family and ministry balance in Philippians 2:1-11. Paul encourages us to, from a place of the blessedness found in Jesus, find unity and cooperation with one another in an attitude of humbly looking to others’ interests in addition to our own. Then, he gives the example of Jesus who humbly was self-emptying and placed Himself at the Father’s disposal for Kingdom purposes. Your family, in addition to your church or other ministry, is “others” to whose interests you are to look. Additionally, I believe you can cultivate the blessedness of Christ’s benefits in your home and a family spirit of selfless ministry that characterizes your family itself.
Some Additional Possibilities – Understanding each church and every family is different, I think we need to explore a few additional possibilities.
I suspect that, in some churches, pastors or other ministers may, in some respects, allow their church to be like an extended family in Christ – a family that nurtures their own family.
I suspect that, although the ministry is a job, we may over professionalize it in some respects. Maybe our family needs to serve alongside us when possible instead of being kept separate from our ministry as if it were a secular vocation.
I suspect that, if you attend fully to your family when you are with them and do not take them for granted – guarding your time with them and keeping your commitments to them – you can develop in them a heart for ministry that should keep you from feeling you need to slight your church.
I suspect there are churches who will take advantage of you and demand more of you than they should, forcing you to set and maintain some boundaries in order to care for your family adequately.
May the Lord give you a passion for His work in your place of service and your home, and may you be a good steward of both.